i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
