how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize