I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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