We named our party play list daddy issues
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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