so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
