I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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