I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize