you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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