Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
