so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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