He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
