I am spending my child support on dildos
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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