I accidentally burped into my bong.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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