would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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