Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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