hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
