Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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