Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
