i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
