I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
