my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize