He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize