pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize