Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
