Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
