your thong is hanging out like whoa
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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