no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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