I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
