I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
