Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
