How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
