The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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