I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
