recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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