My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
