I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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