we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
