A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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