he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
