I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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