I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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