Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
