Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
