i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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