I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I look better un-naked...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
