I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
