My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
