3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize