My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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