meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
