for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
