Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
