I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
