You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize