I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
