The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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