Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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