apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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