Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
