Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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