Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
