party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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