My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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