You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize