Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
