I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
do herpes really smell.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
