What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
