Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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