woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
