Dude my mom stole all your condoms
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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