in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
